I Will Save a Spot for you--a Place you may not Know

The single-most actionable path to trod, is the one we take when we ask what has this life Become?--or more mythically, IS it worth it? What is it to live--& conversely to die? The 3 sequentially proximal deaths just occurred around me...THis thing about the ad absurdum (this subject with which there is nothing but sublime observation) is that it is phantasmal, abysmal too--looking at my feeling that the mind demands order, even in patterns that have no conclusive state to be mitigated. I have that CAMUS book too, The Myth of Sisyphus--couldn't get through it because I start matching the "force" (not the erudition, perhaps) with which the compartmentalized temporal (=impermanence)thing HITS me with (so, the vox musterion is my sense, rather than a fantastic concept)--lots to think, and I don't necessarily want to kill it--just want it to stream til the moment is entirely indicated & I am on the ONE.
***It is absurd to reckon the OTHER as your submissive. You see, we are united but momentarily, and there is a shadow to catch where we can feel rescued in perpituity... good enough or actually a little sad, but OK that it'll go away but not recognizably as a deterant from what I do. Peers are what I told my mom now about 35 yrs ago--"MOM," I said, "I know EVERYBODY--no one is any different than the next guy." Yielding to a small village, is as purblind as the deep sleep we remit having no dreams, but entirely convalescent. My Zadeh had a book by Scholem Aleichem called Tevye's Daughters, Mom had something of a span of Jewish authors--including him--a piece taken from his book: The Song of Songs. So I finally went and found this book, which is a mystical endeavor--even for me. The boy, who is our protagonist, with his cousin, & she'd be the Shulamit, together they run through the hills of an eastern European setting outside their village--& they decide picking barley greens for Shavuot would be their task. My question for you is, what does this reference for this holiday--oh, and this may be really dumb, but do we call it a "hag?" I guess I am curious because the East European of dank vistas, and lost continuity for our religion's survival, has light at the end of those days, and how things are celebrated in Eretz Yisroel leaves me wondering if this fragmented history is attenuated? I remember my Rabbi here in Lexington Ky, as we students learned chumash, said our pronouciation could be sefardic or ashkenazi--whatever we chose is fine. So, in my less than detailed way I tried to say tav rather than sav, etc. But, in the end, I know next to nothing about the diversity we could embrace, hence my question. Confessionally, I am so not religious, but consider myself a ready student for Jewish mysticism and the more. Zalman Schacter-Shalomi was first introduced to me in a read called the Jew and the Lotus. He'd been to see the Dalai Lama with a JEwish delegation discussing our success as a community having lived in exile, but primarily the book was a Kabbalistic study. Anyway, I am compelled to immerse into more of this. A book I had that Herman Wouk wrote--something suggesting if you haven't processed the ascetic & energetic like your catching up, then it's just not worth it. Neil Young's album title Comes a Time, seems to accomplish the satisfied feeling Wouk's book's title conveys, his being The Will to Live On!! These Hasidic Jews w/ fewer antecedents for community to evolve, have founded Belief on equal footing to Babylon falling as before them. Anarchy, or atheism is a natural prerequisite for a good Talmudic student (Wouk relates). The institutions are beknownst in all-profundity from what is "good-enough" to raise in high esteem your fellow man. Good enough, again, because the guru i.e. Tzaddik or perhaps a melamed/teacher isn't in the room. So, because pilpul--discussion, is principaled that we take to a referendum on Immanent Creation, anything thus could be said. To the disqualification project of the "Orthodox-other."
***Martin Buber may have had something to say about k'fitsas haderekh, a sentient presence felt on two different points on a map, or delug, a type of meditation where ad absurdum reigns. He definitely indicates the source in Jewish esteem with the Herodim/ Hasidim. "When you call them they are there; when you want them ...etc." A way of feeling presence thru somekind of intensional meditation, or otherwise: ** I look at it like this: at a certain threshold in the day, when I am mindful & things have elapsed, I wonder if it is the persistant ego that is dissociating my immanent time & place w/ the "feeling' somebody else has otherwise affected in my self-awareness. THINK on a friend, you thus are out of relationship with them, I contend!! Maybe integration is what lapsed...so I want to feel indicated by relationship. WE have I & Nature, & this is, according to Martin Buber, the most elusive. But my guess for me IT IS the most undeniable--simply because I find causality irrefutable once I am overstanding the epiphenimenal moment. But also the obvious I & I... or shall we say in collusion w/ the Rastas', I & I & I? AND then there is the I & Thou & the I & WE... It appears to me, comes around in my thinking that I've crashed all the obvious sensibilities, and then because my ideal content of mind's fulminate comfort has its very effect toppled, "NOTHING"--the education about nothing is an answer. With the pretense that the guru in the room is some shadowy affected self-hood, I started projecting ambient relationship w/chairs consigned to a thousand deaths