Gauge as part of my learning tree/ new book, new leaf

Lists are hard for me, but my Zadie always said, to create goals is to make lists--so outlines, in my view, are just taking experience & wanting to transcend its pattern, yet always w/a similar jumping off point. Here below shouldn't be considered mischief--as I am THAT motivated. Before I left, I was floundering in a lot of mental hype. All very functional (I was), but clarity outweighs the seemingly "good-times" & like I say below, others can Stand for this "release" where as I have devekut, or in my connotation "cleaving" to something I see as Supernal...not necessarily G-d, but maybe Self-duty--is better!! Remember "relationship" of all kinds CAN be esoteric, if we find process in its availing as a kind of immersion. Rather than rising to the surface as some may seek. While traveling, before we were caught in the snow storm, coming out of Grand Canyon, we came out of Flagstaff, and on our way as the earth elevated & I ate salmon jerky from Trader Joe's health grocery, we saw snow on the ground, & swathes of Aspens and coniferous trees ubiquitously. It is strange right now to feel INTO my game, as if the fragmented-usual should be now as it was then before I left. Now #1 on my list is to accept my deviation from DeSirED goals!! So, like peeping Tom I look up from my cold meditation like I am suppose to be dragged from this seat of consciousness into mischief --a bit uncomfortably. (good allegory?) AND then so easily & in effect my strain of intra-mantra slavery gets less dubious, as I realize not much is actually going ON. Still, though it is an emotional break-thru: the dis-connect is life's roads with lots of signs--no need to complicate my mind!! 'Cause folks like you impart that sense of mind grandeur in a way that gives me the open door (of perception) anyway... Seriously, I bet it is as good as it gets as for anyone, but worse for me when its drives us to the duldrums because of my schizophrenia. (GETTING BACK TO THE GRIND) I hope that doesn't seem to be a cop-out--but I know you dig it!! Some (somehow old yet new) strange uber-realistic thing occurred to me last week on Wednesday, when in New Mex. somewhere, while talking to this Asian Indian dude (as usual motel after motel owned by these good folks). My bro standing there, and this Californian Indian guy rapping with him, while his guru's image beams at us. (this guy is an adherent of Ganesh, my brother relates) I once had a freaky deak hallucination as if a giant Gandhi was in judgment of me, yet only in a way that he'd "will" my life trajectory and nothing my conventional mind could assess or compose as his relevant mean--yet the awe was beautiful/ugly... So, when I need to climb down from great thoughtless heights, or frenetic concretized thoughtFULness whose end is nowhere known, then I sit before HIS history and study what TiME it is. The dispensation is always cosmic, as defined by the Greeks: Time & place in immediacy, yet temporal as a willow tree, say Grandmother Willow in Pocahauntus gently and respectfully giving me office in life. Maybe this was the pivot in mind as I stood slightly beside myself before these esoteric relationships=my bro *& this Indian. #2 would thus be, endeavor to study more of this India history, as that Mother India is the headwaters of self-knowledge as I see IT.
So what led up to my remonstration of this manufactured motive at the peak of high mindedness and measureable effort?Read all day and drummed in intervals: solitude!! --the Saturday before last; Sunday I was on my way. But with only one social foray before I left--visiting my fellow beat enthusiast, tho' the spectacle of 21 century life has left us with less alternative (conformity is a plastic energy whose idol is self-promotion=so just because we CAN communicate doesn't mean there's something here that indicates us) ...recusing the existential! Felt really self-conscious like I had to answer for the bigger part of what the reading delivered conceptually. Wasn't self-conscious strangely, or uncomfortably... Felt delivered from concretized day when the Dao's 10,000 things made sense again. 10,000 things may be their sense of experienced-forms found in our "path," yet I sought to capture perhaps 10,000 thoughts as if the nomenclature of the mind had thought at the seat of awareness.